What is loneliness?
As social beings, most of us feel the need for rewarding social contact and relationships. One common definition of loneliness is that it is the feeling we get when our need for this type of contact is not met.
However, loneliness is not the same as being alone. You might choose to be alone and live happily without much contact with other people. Or you may have lots of social contact, or be in a relationship or part of a family and still feel lonely.
Loneliness is not feeling part of the world. You might be surrounded by loads of people but... you are [still] lonely.Loneliness can have a significant impact on your mental health. It can contribute to mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression.
Having a mental health problem can also make you feel lonely. For example, your condition may mean that you find social contact difficult or that you find it hard to maintain friendships, or you may feel isolated because of stigma and discrimination.
However, loneliness is not the same as being alone. You might choose to be alone and live happily without much contact with other people. Or you may have lots of social contact, or be in a relationship or part of a family and still feel lonely.
Loneliness is not feeling part of the world. You might be surrounded by loads of people but... you are [still] lonely.Loneliness can have a significant impact on your mental health. It can contribute to mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression.
Having a mental health problem can also make you feel lonely. For example, your condition may mean that you find social contact difficult or that you find it hard to maintain friendships, or you may feel isolated because of stigma and discrimination.
What makes people lonely?
Loneliness has many different causes and affects people differently. Often people feel lonely because of their personal circumstances. But sometimes loneliness is a deeper, more constant feeling that comes from within.
Personal circumstances
Certain lifestyles and the stresses of daily life can make some people socially isolated and vulnerable to loneliness. There are many situations that might make you feel isolated or lonely.
For example, if you:
• lose a partner or someone close to you
• go through a relationship break-up
• are a single parent or caring for someone else – you may find it hard to maintain a social life
• retire and lose the social contact you had at work
• are older and find it difficult to go out alone
• move to a new area without family, friends or community networks
• belong to a minority ethnic group and live in an area without others from a similar background
• are excluded from social activities – for example, because of mobility problems or a shortage of money
• experience discrimination and stigma – for example, because of a disability or long-term health condition, or your gender, race or sexuality
• have experienced sexual or physical abuse – you may find it hard to form close relationships with other people.
• lose a partner or someone close to you
• go through a relationship break-up
• are a single parent or caring for someone else – you may find it hard to maintain a social life
• retire and lose the social contact you had at work
• are older and find it difficult to go out alone
• move to a new area without family, friends or community networks
• belong to a minority ethnic group and live in an area without others from a similar background
• are excluded from social activities – for example, because of mobility problems or a shortage of money
• experience discrimination and stigma – for example, because of a disability or long-term health condition, or your gender, race or sexuality
• have experienced sexual or physical abuse – you may find it hard to form close relationships with other people.
Internal feelings of loneliness
Some people experience deep and constant feelings of loneliness that come from within and do not disappear, regardless of their social situation or how many friends they have.
There are many reasons people experience this kind of loneliness. You might feel unable to like yourself or to be liked by others, or you may lack self-confidence. This may come from having been unloved as a child so that, as an adult, you continue to feel unlovable in all relationships. Or sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, people isolate themselves within their relationships because they are afraid of being hurt.
There are many reasons people experience this kind of loneliness. You might feel unable to like yourself or to be liked by others, or you may lack self-confidence. This may come from having been unloved as a child so that, as an adult, you continue to feel unlovable in all relationships. Or sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, people isolate themselves within their relationships because they are afraid of being hurt.
Loneliness, for me, is a side effect of the barriers I've put up
over the years to protect myself from the world, and the world
from me.
over the years to protect myself from the world, and the world
from me.
Loneliness, for me, is a side effect of the barriers I've put up
over the years to protect myself from the world, and the world
from me.
over the years to protect myself from the world, and the world
from me.
If you experience this deeper type of loneliness, you may try to avoid being on your own and spend a lot of time socialising. Or you may react in the opposite way, hiding away on your own so you don't have to face a world of people you feel unconnected to. You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as using alcohol or drugs, to escape your feelings of loneliness or to face social situations that you can’t avoid.
How can being lonely affect your mental health?
Loneliness and social isolation can have a significant impact on your mental health. Studies have shown that people who are socially isolated experience more stress, have lower self-esteem and are more likely to have sleep problems than people who have strong social support. All of these things can have a negative effect on your general wellbeing.
Being lonely can also contribute to mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression. Social isolation has also been linked to rarer mental health conditions like schizophrenia. If you are concerned that
your feelings of loneliness are developing into a mental health problem, you may find it helpful to talk to your GP.
Sometimes feeling lonely can feel so overwhelming that you have suicidal thoughts.
Being lonely can also contribute to mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression. Social isolation has also been linked to rarer mental health conditions like schizophrenia. If you are concerned that
your feelings of loneliness are developing into a mental health problem, you may find it helpful to talk to your GP.
Sometimes feeling lonely can feel so overwhelming that you have suicidal thoughts.
How can I overcome feelings of loneliness?
For many people, overcoming loneliness is about increasing the level of social contact that they have with other people and there are different ways to do this. However, if you experience feelings of loneliness that are unrelated to social contact, you may need to develop different strategies to help you overcome this. We discuss both types of strategy here.
Connecting with the world around you
The way I deal with loneliness is to go out and spend time outside, have a small conversation with the cashier as I pay for my
things, phone my mum or see a close friend.
things, phone my mum or see a close friend.
For some people, feeling lonely is not about how many friends they have, but about feeling disconnected from the rest of the world. In this case, it can help to take small steps to feel more connected with the world around you.
Making contact with people you know can be a useful first step in helping you feel less alone. If you have friends or family, phoning someone, or sending a text or email, can help make you feel more grounded and remind you that there are people in your life.
Sometimes just going outside for a walk and seeing other people in the street, perhaps saying hello to someone you know, can make you feel a bit better.
If you are with other people or in a group situation, it can be easy to stay quiet or hide behind your phone. However, this can make you feel lonelier in the long run. Although it may feel difficult, joining in the conversation, even a bit, can often help you feel less isolated.
Making contact with people you know can be a useful first step in helping you feel less alone. If you have friends or family, phoning someone, or sending a text or email, can help make you feel more grounded and remind you that there are people in your life.
Sometimes just going outside for a walk and seeing other people in the street, perhaps saying hello to someone you know, can make you feel a bit better.
If you are with other people or in a group situation, it can be easy to stay quiet or hide behind your phone. However, this can make you feel lonelier in the long run. Although it may feel difficult, joining in the conversation, even a bit, can often help you feel less isolated.
Making the most of social contact
If you are lonely, it can help to make the most of opportunities for social contact, however small.
If you work, pick your children up from school, or have a friendly neighbour or shopkeeper, starting a conversation – or even just saying hello – can make you feel less alone.
If you are out of practice talking to people, starting a conversation may seem daunting at first. If you find it hard knowing what to say, try asking people about themselves and what they are interested in.
If you work, pick your children up from school, or have a friendly neighbour or shopkeeper, starting a conversation – or even just saying hello – can make you feel less alone.
If you are out of practice talking to people, starting a conversation may seem daunting at first. If you find it hard knowing what to say, try asking people about themselves and what they are interested in.
If you don’t get an enthusiastic reply, the main thing is not to take it personally. The other person may be having a bad day that is nothing to do with you or may feel shy too. You might get a more positive response from someone else.
Meeting people and making friends
For many people, meeting new people and making friends can help them overcome their feelings of loneliness.
Many people meet their friends through their daily lives – for example, through work, their children’s schools or through people they already know. But for people who do not work, or live away from friends and family, it can be difficult to meet new people.
One way is through making links with people with shared experiences, values or interests. Think about something that interests you. This could be anything from walking or watching films to making model cars. If you join a social group to do with something that genuinely interests you, you should find that you meet people who share your interests and get to do something you enjoy. You can find information about local groups, clubs or classes at your local library, in local newspapers or magazines, or online.
Many people meet their friends through their daily lives – for example, through work, their children’s schools or through people they already know. But for people who do not work, or live away from friends and family, it can be difficult to meet new people.
One way is through making links with people with shared experiences, values or interests. Think about something that interests you. This could be anything from walking or watching films to making model cars. If you join a social group to do with something that genuinely interests you, you should find that you meet people who share your interests and get to do something you enjoy. You can find information about local groups, clubs or classes at your local library, in local newspapers or magazines, or online.
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